hell i'm procrastinating let's livestreamthought diabolik lovers episode 1!
"lines in quotation marks are direct from the show" be prepared
oh look at this thoughtful piano theme
oooo nice house
oh no ominous fountain gargoyle soooo scary
OMG sudden rainfall!
after the ground is soaked and thus the heroine, she gives us the mindful insight of "It's raining!"
She is still standing in the rain after this revelation. Oh god it's going to be one of those girls.
She is staring up at the sky like it is the first time she has ever seen rain.
Thunder! Lightening! SO SCARY
OH NOW SHE RUNS OUT OF THE RAIN
(WE ARE ONLY ONE MINUTE AND THIRTY SECONDS INTO THE SHOW BTW)
Knock knock OH SHIT THE DOOR OPENED BY ITSELF AND IT'S STORMING GUYS
Well, at least it's a killer mansion inside. LOOK at that chandelier! So classy!
Ah yes, the sleeping bishounen in a suit with his shirt unbuttoned, belt laying across the bottom of the untucked shirt not in the loops, one pant leg rolled up and his tie laying across his glistening pectorals and abs oh he's so edgy and dangerous!
Hold on hold on hold on. Stop the train.
This girl, this clever girl, thinks being asleep is some sort of severe illness. "Are you okay???????" panicpanicpanic he didn't respond omg!!
She then touches his hand with the tips of her fingers because I dunno when I wake someone up I touch their hand. "IT'S COLD!!" gasp!!! You don't mean.... HE MUST BE DEAD!!!!????
So she places her head against HIS STOMACH (look, it's supposed to be his chest, but the shot leading up to it is clearly his stomach) and remarks "He has no pulse! This is bad!!! I need to call an ambulance!"
I'm not sure if I can handle the entire episode. I don't think I can do this.
So as she's calling, the guy wakes up, of course, and tells her to stfu. Oh no he has the "cat" slant eyes, this must mean he's the one that's going to try and kiss her or some shit before their scene ends.
She protests about her expert diagnosis of death and he grabs her and throws her onto the couch. "EH NANI?"
"You know the answer to that." He straddles her, leans down, and slobbers all over her neck. "I'm about to take you."
(I CALLED IT!.gif)
He grins evilly and little fangs appear. That means he must be..... a vampire!
Oh here comes the savior. Rapist is upset Savior interrupted rape time. Savior tells Rapist to "rape in the comfort of his own room because they're in the front of the mansion, and the front of the mansion is used to greet guests" oh god what a classless buffoon how embarrassing to be caught raping in the front of the house! What will the neighbors say?
Rapist is all fuck you killjoy and gets off the heroine, who runs to the Savior and asks him to help her. I see our heroine taking ten times as long to realize simple things is going to be a theme here. Savior asks who she is in a tone of no fucks given about her vagina. Our heroine is named Yui. Yeah, whatever, let's call her Bakajo as a nod to the great Bakajo special of MM lore. Her dad said to go live in the mansion.
Why do I feel like that is going to be the only explanation about why she's there?
Savior doesn't know about it. He asks Rapist if she's supposed to be his rape fodder and he's all ~I dunno, I just saw an opportunity to rape her pancake ass so rape!~ Bakajo is not happy about this. She says "That's because you attacked me out of nowhere!" in her defense. Good job girl! That'll show him!
After Bakajo argues about the potential intrusion into her vagina, she realizes that he called her a pancake and is naturally upset that he would insult her bust size after trying to rape her. I would be too. If I'm going to be raped, the guy should at least say I'm pretty!!!
I just noticed Savior has one glove on and one glove off. I hope that was an animation mistake and not an official character design. Anyway, blahblah i don't know anything about you being here blah blah creepy old butler taking her things blah blah Bakajo runs off in fear
Scene change and all three are in a living room. This makes no sense. The Savior said he was going to look into things. Bakajo was...going somewhere. Rapist is seated and not raping. Okay, anyway, they are all in the same room right after the last scene for some reason. Savior tells Bakajo to explain why she's here whennnnnn
Here comes another bishounen on the balcony overlooking the living room (there are no stairs leading to this balcony. There is an indoor balcony and this is not a theater. Shut up this is bothering me!) He laughs, calls Bakajo a human girl (omg that means he must not be human!!!!!) and teleports down and licks her cheek. "MMMMM you smell so nice and sweet!" He has a hat on and a fur lined coat. Ladies and gents, the playboy of the harem.
Somewhere another bishounen appeared out of nowhere holding a teddy bear (one of those edgy ones with the weird asymmetrical eyes and body!!) . He wants a piece of her too, so he leans down and licks the heroine's ear. Naturally all she does about this is just gasp in shock. Savior reprimands them for wanting to
rape seduce a girl before taking her out to dinner. Playboy protests "But doesn't everyone want to taste something that looks so yummy?" I foresee an underworld gangbang with this dude.
Rapist interjects that he saw her first therefore he gets to rape her first. Some new dude that sounds like the other dudes starts talking about how he's tired of hearing Rapist's shit. blahblah argue blahblah oh this guy realizes there is a human in the room and he is not happy.
Bakajo, oh Bakajo. Anyway, her only remark to all of this is "How did you get into the room?"
New dude is upset that she dares question him. "Answer my question first!" He hits the wall. The wall has a huge crater and is crumbling to dust. Bakajo tears up. At least we didn't get a stupid line from her.
Savior is having none of their boring arguments and steers the conversation back to why Bakajo is in their mansion. In response, Bakajo actually does something smart and says ya'll scary I'm out. As she's walking out though, Savior says "I'm only trying to find the truth." and of course she stops because she's Bakajo. "Isn't it impolite to leave?" Bakajo then responds "B-but" because god forbid she say ya'll bitches are psycho get me out of here.
A new bishounen interjects with "Is she the one he was talking about?". This new bishounen is laying on a couch. The heroine, Savior, and Rapist were seated on the only couch/chairs in the room at the start of the scene. Where did this couch come from? Why do we have another character being introduced by sleeping on a couch? Oh, he has headphones in his ears so he wasn't really listening up to this point. Anyway, some mysterious him called and said he was sending a virgin from the church to be their prospective bride. I wish I was making this up.
The other men acknowledge this. Headphones adds that they can't kill her. Playboy makes the ominous remark, "So we'll be with her for a verrrrrrrrrry long time." Savior is okay with this and introduces everyone properly oh he is so classy. Apparently these dudes are all brothers. I predict an incest subplot.
..... I would like to add a note about Playboy's introduction. "Yoroshiku ne, BITCH-CHAN."
I need a moment; this is hilarious. Okay, Bakajo is waaaay inferior to BITCH-CHAN. Back to the episode.
Bitch-chan is like, whoa I never agreed to be a bride to anyone. "And besides, all of you....are.....kinda weird." Well, I guess I could give her points for attempting humor by understatement. She stares at them for a bit because you know, it takes awhile for those gears to get moving, and decides that she needs to call Daddy.
But Rapist took her phone! And she tries to get it back, but then Wallhole grabs the phone and destroys it oh he is so strong!!
Bitch-chan is upset, so Playboy decides to comfort her. "There, there, Bitch-chan. You're about to become very good friends with us so you don't need your silly little cellphone. Ne?" Teddyfreak comes up behind her and both men romantically whisper their future intentions of a DP. "You smell so delicious, Little Bitch."
Bitch-chan finally realizes she is going to have every orifice violated violently, so she tries to run away. Because she is shoujo heroine, she takes about three steps before falling flat on her face. Because she is a shoujo heroine, she shreds her knee like she fell onto a mixture of broken glass, sandpaper, and gravel. Now all the men are at full attention.
Those little gears in her head? One turned! She figured out they are vampires! She pulls out her cross and shouts THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
Nothing happens, of course. blah blah stupid mortal fairytales blah blah
Bitch-chan turns and runs away. As she's running down this football field of a mansion, the camera pans across trays and trays and trays of sweets. She runs away from the sweets and down another hall, and around a corner, and to the phone. But the phone line is cut! She runs around some more doing that stupid high pitched breathing crap until she gets to the front door. Oh, there aren't any handles on the inside. She can't get them open, naturally.
Here comes Mr. Rape!
She runs away from Mr. Rape up stairs, more nonsensical architecture, until some room that was bound under lock and key magically breaks and she goes inside. Everything is covered in sheets. There are some pieces of jewelry laid out on a dresser though. Bitch-chan forgets about running away and looks at the shiny jewels.
She tears herself away from the jewels and goes to the balcony, where another female is outside. This causes some sort of magical chemical reaction that gives Bitch-chan a stroke. She stumbles backwards into a bookshelf, where a book falls and a photo tumbles out. It is a photo of her and her Priest Daddy and the book is his diary. Bitch-chan learns that Daddy is not her real Daddy. Unfortunately, Maury does not do house calls so we'll never find out her real parentage.
The harem magically teleports inside and makes some sort of stupid remark of her choosing this special room of sealed locks that need new locks and Bitch-chan is all uwaaaa i scared and so Mr. Rape gleefully says, "Yes, that's the face that gets my juices going." Playboy and Teddyfreak see an opportunity for a gangbang, so they jump on it. Savior and Wallhole spout something about death if she leaves while Playboy and Rapist slobber all over her neck and grope her.
Headphones knocks over a picture and the glass shattering stops them for a moment. Rapist holds his hand over her eyes, screen goes black, fades back to Bitch-chan being on the floor with Rapist's hand around her neck. He asks, "Are you ready?"
End of episode.
Goddamn what a piece of shit show.